First Page Critique: Fantasy

We have another opening page critique today. Here’s The Dreams of the Common People, by Don Nelson

Prologue

For three hundred years, no one had ventured into the long forgotten and remote corner of the earth known as, The Common Land. The inhabitants of this lonely place had never given thought to cross over the rugged borders into the unknown surrounding lands. The Common People lived out their lives on a cultural island separate from all the other people groups of the known world.

In a previous enlightened time, this unimportant place functioned well and the people prospered. No one owned the land on which they lived. The land had always been owned and nurtured by nature. In the beginning of time, the order of things, both seen and unseen, had allowed both good and evil to co-exist, side by side. Neither force dominating the other because of a truce established between The Maker of Good and The Demon One.

The atmosphere of this long existent and balanced society changed the day a brutal, arrogant and evil enemy, known as The Hooded Accusers, galloped across the impassable borders into the Common World. They brought with them an oppressive force, which was soon to create a race of tormented men and women. Only the Common Children were spared from this unending season of oppression until they reached the age of accountability.

The grieving populace endured constant visions and voices of suffering in what had become a ghostly infected, malignant and decaying world.

The peace loving Common Landers had long ago given up any thoughts or hopes of escaping from these brutal thoughts and emotional captivity. The pleas and whines of mental persecution, a common sound throughout the land, subsided only when the people dreamed. It was a simple dream that gave them a daily hope of the "sacred-one", the one who would lead them out of their captivity.

The Hooded Accusers, also known as the 'spoilers of dreams' had toiled long, at their own destiny, waiting the glorious day when they would be rewarded, by their master, for their dedicated and unending service.

Chapter One

"Good thoughts can happen to anyone" 

This is the first line of the first page of, "The Journal of Good", documenting the record of the Common People's ancestral history. The journey to reach those good thoughts would require the skills and talents of the most unlikely hero, a fifteen-year-old boy named Darby, and his three footed traveling companion, a four hundred year old tortoise named, Achilles.

My comments: Usually I do a little more line editing, and I did notice some grammatical errors here, plus writing that was hard to follow sometimes. (When you are conveying a lot of information quickly, use shorter sentences with one piece of info per sentence, to give the reader time to process each piece.) But my bigger concern is that this seems to be all back story “telling.” I get the impression that the author has created an interesting fantasy world, and I’m certainly intrigued by the elderly, three-footed tortoise. I’m also curious about the “spoilers of dreams.” But I’d rather start with specific characters, where something is happening, and figure out the background slowly from context.

You can find extensive debates on when (if ever) and how Prologues should be used. I’ll cautiously acknowledge that they may have a place at times, but generally I recommend avoiding them. Often it’s an excuse for the author to “info dump” a bunch of background information he thinks readers need to know to understand the story. But plenty of novels with complex and unusual worlds drop the reader right into the story. Trust your reader to figure out the situation as we go along!

Here’s an example from a fantasy novel by Joni Sensel, The Farwalker's Quest:

Zeke’s tree wouldn't speak to him.

"Are you sure you've got the right tree?" Arial asked when he told her. "Maybe you've been hearing another nearby that got tired of the confusion and gave up."

Zeke shook his head as the two twelve year olds hurried back across the meadow toward afternoon classes. At lunchtime, they’d dashed off to chase pollywogs in the creek. Their catch wiggled in the wood bucket that now dangled between them, and water splashed their legs with each step. Their free hands crammed their mouths with last-minute lunches.

"I think I know my own favorite tree," grumbled Zeke. "She's just stopped paying attention."

Ariel calculated. Today was March 29. "But Namingfest is only three days away!"

"Gee, really?" Zeke rolled his eyes. "I might..." he couldn't say he might fail. "I might have to wait until next year."

This opening introduces the two main characters, suggests the setting, introduces a problem, and hints at unusual fantasy elements—all in 140 words. We don’t have to know yet what Namingfest is, or why Zeke would expect a tree to speak to him. The hints are intriguing enough that many readers will want to read on.

 

Without knowing more about The Dreams of the Common People, I can’t say for sure whether a prologue is necessary, or where the story should really start. But I would certainly recommend cutting background information at the beginning of the story, and starting with a scene that includes action and dialogue, and a specific, immediate problem. The problem needn’t be the main story problem yet, just something to draw us in, so we can learn about this world in an exciting way. (Click on the “Beginnings” label in the list to the right, for more specific advice on story beginnings.)

Thanks, Don, for sharing your work!

First Page Critique: YA fantasy

This week's critique is the first page from a novel called Goblin Fruit. The author called it a YA and mentioned 21,500 words. I'm not sure if that's the complete manuscript or what she has written so far, but my first thought is that this is very short for a YA novel. Even middle grade novels tend to be 30,000 to 35,000 words. 40,000 to 60,000 is generally considered normal for young adult novels.

With electronic publishing, there is a greater market for novellas than ever before, but I expect it would be difficult to sell this to a traditional publisher. (Novels in poems or other unusual forms may be an exception. iDracula by Becca Black was probably only a few thousand words, since it was written primarily as text messages.)

Perhaps this is a story that really needs to be told at this length. Or perhaps that number was a typo, or I misunderstood. But to have the best chance to break into traditional publishing with a young adult novel, I would advise the author to expand the story. I did a series of posts in May of last year on how to expand a manuscript that was too short. Click this link, for the following series:  

Friday, May 14, 2010: Pack the plot full

Friday, May 21, 2010: Making Muscular Action!

Friday, May 28, 2010: Pump up the Drama

You might also want to check out Thursday, April 8, 2010: Developing Your Story: Building theMiddle

Now let's look at the submission:

Frank Harman buttoned a white lab coat over his tie-dyed T-shirt as he hurried toward the nurse’s station in the maternity ward.

Anna smiled at him as he came toward her."Thanks for coming, Frank. Sorry to take you away from your data compilation."

He smiled back as he ran his fingers through his tousled brown hair and removed his glasses, wiping them on the lab coat. "That's okay. The study can wait.” He rubbed his tired, slightly bloodshot eyes and then put the glasses back on.”So what’s happening here?”

CE: We meet a couple of characters and get a hint of personality, especially from Frank. I'm assuming both of these people are adults, since there's no evidence to the contrary. I'm not sure which, if either of them is the main character yet. The point of view is fairly distant, not really inside either of them. This also establishes the setting. I'm not fascinated, but I'm not turned off either. I am puzzled about who the main character is, especially if this is supposed to be for teenagers.

Anna frowned. She looked toward an open patient door and then back at Frank. "The patient gave birth to a baby girl this afternoon." Gesturing for him to follow, she walked to the open door, through which a sleeping young woman and a baby in a clear plastic bassinet were visible. The woman’s golden brown hair formed a halo around her head and she seemed, at least to Frank, to glow in the lighting.

CE: Another character, and possibly a hint of something mystical in the way she seems to glow. It's subtle though, not necessarily establishing a fantasy element.

Frank gasped. "Sara."

"You know her?"

"A little," he said hoarsely, before clearing his throat. "A long time ago."

CE: So the new mother is apparently also an adult. We get a hint of a past which may be affecting the present.

Anna looked at Frank, as though expecting him to elaborate. When he didn't, she went on. "Actually, I know her too. She's an artist. She used to be at some of the art parties Nick and I attend."

Frank made no response.

Looking back toward Sara, who was sleeping soundly, Anna whispered, "She was a real partier. Always the center of attention. I haven't seen her around lately, though. I didn't know she was pregnant."

Frank nodded absently, like he wasn't really listening.

Anna shook her head. "No complications with the birth. Drug screen came back clean, but I feel like something's off."

CE: Phrases such as "as though expecting" and "like he wasn't really listening" keep the point of view distant. We’re not in anyone’s head. I'm still not sure who our main character is. This feels like an adult mystery or drama. That's not a bad thing, if that's what it's supposed to be, but young adult? There seems to be a disconnect between the sample and the title/genre, so much so that I wonder if the author pasted in the wrong sample or if I made a mistake somewhere in copying it.

Maybe the baby is the main character later on, and this is a prologue? Then perhaps the story would be better off starting somewhere else.

If I were looking for an adult mystery, I'd probably read a few more pages to see where this is going. I would still want to know who the main character is pretty soon. I also personally like a closer point of view, as it seems more emotional, but that's not suitable for every story. For young adult books, however, first person POV is most common these days, with close third person coming second. The feeling is that teens really want to connect with their hero or heroine.

This sample does a lot of things well—introduces several characters who are presumably important to the story, hints at a problem, put us in a setting, and has a balance between action and dialogue. It feels more distant than I personally like, but the main problem is the confusion over the target readership age and the genre.

Your opening pages make a promise to the reader. They should set up the main character, genre, and style of the story. If this is a young adult novel that has to do with goblins, the opening needs to fit with that. That doesn't mean you need to have goblins in the opening scene, but the opening shouldn't feel like a completely different type of novel.

Check out my posts on First Chapter Challenges and StrongStarts for more help.

Thanks for sharing! Readers, don't forget that you can get a complete manuscript critique for just $1.50 per page. Get details and recommendations on my website. If you have a longer novels or a picture book manuscript, you can get a critique at a discount by pledging through my Kickstarter campaign.

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel

This week's first page critique is of "The Automata Maker's Fire-Breathing Housekeeper." The submitter didn't list the age group or genre, but I'm guessing middle grade, and probably fantasy or science fiction based on the title. I think the title is catchy, by the way. A bit of a mouthful which may make it hard to remember, but it is intriguing.

        Miles opened the front door, tripped over the threshold, and staggered into the dark hallway. His backpack, stuffed with schoolbooks and slung haphazardly over one shoulder, threatened to overbalance him and he almost bumped into his brother and sister who were crossing through the hall. They carried a large package wrapped in decorative floral and butterfly paper.

CE: This certainly portrays Miles as clumsy. Of course, it's possible this is not normal behavior, but by starting with this it seems like a character trait. It may be a little too easy, though, a caricature for someone we don't know at all yet. Although his near fall gives a little action to the opening paragraph, I'm more interested in the package and wonder if the opening could be rewritten to focus on that. Maybe something simple like: Miles opened the front door and stared at his brother and sister, who were crossing the hall with a large package wrapped in decorative floral and butterfly paper.

        "What've you got there?" Miles asked as he heaved his gear onto the floor under the hallway table.

        "Uncle Dishwasher gave it to me," Theo said frowning.

        "Why'd he do that, do you think?" asked Billie. Her eyes were wide as she chewed at her lower lip.

CE: As a general rule, when you have action or gestures with dialogue tags, you don't also need the said or asked part. When removing it, sometimes you may want to reorder the sentences for better flow. And in this case, I might skip the part about Miles heaving his gear onto the floor, if I did decide to change the opening as suggested above. So the rewrite becomes:

      "What've you got there?" Miles asked.

      Theo frowned. "Uncle Dishwasher gave it to me."

      "Why'd he do that, do you think?" Billie’s eyes were wide as she chewed at her lower lip.

        "Maybe he's sorry about how mean he's been to us," Miles said. "Maybe it's a box of

burn ointment to use for all the times he's scorched us. Or maybe it's full of poisoned cookies so he won't be bothered with us anymore."

CE: This certainly sets up their relationship with their uncle and makes the question of the package more intriguing. It also shows that Miles is a quick thinker and has a sense of humor.

        Billie gasped and jerked her hands away from the package. "He has been mean, but maybe he's overworked. You know from all the extra lunches and then two kinds of dinner. And extra laundry, and speaking two languages, and." she trailed off and started nibbling on her thumbnail.

CE: Billy comes across as kind of an idiot. Her excuses may be naïve or kindhearted, but why does she jerk her hands away from the package unless she's really afraid of it? And what does she expect poisoned cookies to do to her if she's just carrying the box? And if it took two of them to carry it, wouldn't Theo drop it now? Besides the bit of illogic, you want to be careful about portraying your only female main character (so far as we know) in a negative light this early in the story, unless you are really just going for boy readers. I'd tone down her reaction.

CE: We do get a few more hints about the family. The uncle now seems not necessarily so bad, but possibly someone hard-working but grumpy. And we see Billie as the sympathetic one.

     Miles snorted and gave her the same disgusted look he always gave when he thought she was excusing the undeserving. Then he glared at Theo. "Why did he give it to you? I'm the oldest."

     "I just got home first, I guess."

     Miles shrugged. "Let's get a snack before Kazu and Yuji come home. You can unwrap that thing while we eat." Miles dodged past Theo and Billie and headed to the kitchen. He pushed open the swinging door and was about to step into the room when, instead, he hurriedly backed out, stumbling and tripping into Theo and Billie. He put his finger to his lips signaling silence.

CE: Given their curiosity, focusing on the snack first seems odd, unless Miles is trying to play it cool. I might not introduce Kazu and Yuji yet -- we don't learn anything about them and it's getting confusing with so many characters and elements introduced in the first page.

I'm a little concerned about the point of view in this last paragraph. Normally it's best to stick with a cause-effect/action-reaction sequence. In other words, something happens and then someone reacts to it. When you have someone react before showing the cause, that can be jarring, confusing, or even comical. If Theo or Billy were the point of view character, you could have Miles back out and signal for silence before they know his reasons. The point of view is somewhat distant here -- we haven't gotten anyone's thoughts -- but I would have said it was Miles if anyone. In that case, he should see and then react.

I should perhaps mention here that in American middle grade novels, authors generally use a fairly close point of view, usually third person. If they switch point of view, they stick with a character through a scene. British middle grade novels sometimes have a more distant omniscient point of view or a traveling viewpoint that jumps between heads. I don't know why that is.

In any case, I don't see an advantage to hiding what Miles sees. Perhaps it's supposed to increase suspense by making us ask what it is, but that can feel kind of like cheating. If it's something dramatic, showing it will be more dramatic than letting us wonder. If it's not something dramatic, the reality will feel anticlimactic after the tease.

I've been focused mainly on line editing for this sample. Overall, I think there are some interesting elements here and I'm curious about what will happen next. The small question of what's in the package is a nice way to get the reader’s attention and introduce the characters, and hopefully lead into a bigger plot question. I'm curious enough to keep reading.

My main concern is that the voice seems a bit weak -- those wordy dialog attributes, for example, and the uncertain viewpoint. So many editors hold voice as all important these days. That's not to say that you have to get fancy or write in a way that seems unnatural, but smoothing out the bumps can make for a better read. Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King has a lot of advice on how to do that. I'm afraid a lot of great ideas don't get published because the writing isn't quite strong enough. I can see things here that would catch an editor's eye, but a little more polishing would really make it work stand out.

Thank you, for sharing, Mollie, and best of luck with the revisions!

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy

This week I'm critiquing the first page of a middle grade novel called Finding Evekitas. My comments intersperse the original text.

     Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street.  Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her.  She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot.  She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete.  The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.

CE: This is a nice bit of characterization upfront -- a girl who reads while walking to school. I'm curious about what she's reading. I'd like to see a little more detail of the fall to really bring it to life, to make sure it's shown rather than told. For example, "she fell on the concrete" is a bit vague. I don't know how she landed or if it hurt. I might rework it something like this:

.... the pedal sticking up snagged her left foot. She twisted that foot away from the pedal while hopping on her right foot, but the loop of her shoelace caught the pedal. She pulled, but the bike pulled back. The book flew out of her hands as she wobbled. A scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
Melissa's foot pulled free from the bike and she went down on hands and knees. She bit back a cry of pain and sat back on her heels, hugging her scraped hands to her stomach. She glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed the fall.

CE: I think this creates a clearer picture, and also gives us a little more of Melissa's character. This may or may not be the right character for Melissa. Maybe she cries out loudly and hopes someone saw her and will come give comfort. Maybe she brushes off the pain as entirely unimportant, because she's already focused on the paper. You don't want to spend too much time on the accident, as it's really just a way to get us to the piece of paper, but by showing Melissa's actions and reactions clearly, you create a more vivid scene and also give us hints to her character.

     Melissa picked herself up and looked around.  Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush.  She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.

     The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind.  But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it.  She wanted to see what it said.

CE: This is straightforward enough. Melissa has some curiosity but she's also practical. It might be nice to give us a specific thought -- what she imagines the paper might be. This acts as a teaser for the reader and once again gives us more of her personality. For example, does she think it might, just possibly, be a treasure map, an antique document, or an old letter from a family member? Different kinds of kids might come up with each of those possibilities and find that particular answer especially intriguing. Giving a thought like this will also help us feel closer to Melissa. So far I feel a bit like I'm on the outside watching her, rather than seeing and feeling this close to her point of view. That may be intentional and necessary to the story, if you want that distance -- if you're trying for a more omniscient point of view because you have a lot of characters and need to skip around between them, for example. But in general, we want to feel close to the main character.

     She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate.  She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now.  Probably there was no one home.

CE: Good details to show her caution and practical way of thinking.

     She opened the gate.  At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her. 

     The rosebush was only a few steps away.  Melissa dashed over to it.  The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first.  She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster.  He nabbed it and frolicked away.

CE: Nice complication -- though these must be tiny rosebushes if a little dog can grab something from one. At least I was imagining it landing on top of the bush. Perhaps reword a bit so we see where the paper falls better. Or when she first reaches for the paper, she could wind up knocking it farther down.

     She should just go on to school, before someone saw her.  She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone!  But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it. 

CE: I'm getting more of a sense of her character. She seems practical, thoughtful, and rather shy. But she's also curious, which is a good trait in a main character. This little episode introduces her and a small problem to get the ball rolling. Presumably the paper will lead on to bigger things. Right now I'm kind of taking it on faith that the paper will be interesting, because this is a book and therefore you must have a reason for starting with this scene. But the situation isn't all that inherently dramatic by itself, so I'd like to see a little more drama about the paper -- perhaps that thought about what exactly it might be.

You can also end this last paragraph with another thought about why a paper with words on it seems important. And although the complications -- the paper out of reach, the dog grabbing it -- do add some tension, don't wait too long for her to get the paper. If we knew that the paper was important, complications would add lots of tension, but because we're not sure yet, it will get dull if we have to wait too long to find out what's on the paper.

You have a clean, straightforward writing style, written at a nice fourth grade level. I like the character so far and I'm curious enough about the paper to keep reading. I'd suggest you work to keep us close to Melissa's point of view so we really understand what she's seeing, feeling, and thinking, and follow up this little hook fairly quickly with the big hook -- what's on the paper that is going to change her life. Thanks for sharing!

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy

Here's this week's submission for the first page critique, a middle grade fantasy called Finding Evekitas. Practice your critiquing skills today, and come back tomorrow to see my comments.

Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street.  Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her.  She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot.  She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete.  The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.

Melissa picked herself up and looked around.  Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush.  She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.

The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind.  But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it.  She wanted to see what it said.

She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate.  She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now.  Probably there was no one home.

She opened the gate.  At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her. 

The rosebush was only a few steps away.  Melissa dashed over to it.  The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first.  She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster.  He nabbed it and frolicked away.

She should just go on to school, before someone saw her.  She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone!  But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it. 

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel in Verse

Today I'm critiquing a middle grade novel in verse, currently titled "tilt." First of all, I had better say that I rarely read novels in verse. Just not my thing. I do recognize bad poetry though, and this is not bad. It might even be good, but I'm not the best judge. The poems certainly create mood and are gracefully efficient at conveying information. Here and there the rhythm feels a bit choppy to me, and I wonder about having proper punctuation for some sentences but not others, which makes some sentences sound like run-ons. Now I'm going to look at the content, rather than the poetry. (And this is more than a first page, but because the poems are so short I'll go with that.)

Notebook

I’ve kept notebooks

forever. Mom has all of them

in a box somewhere.

Each filled with thoughts, ideas and drawings.

My current notebook is

dedicated to Jackson

It has all the poems

I’ve written about my friend.

I started writing about

Jackson the first summer he was gone

I wanted to remember everything

about him, every last

detail. Even when I didn’t stay.

CE: This gets off to a nice start. It's not the most romantic first line ever, but it sets up a situation -- why we are getting these poems. Then we get a hint of mystery and conflict -- Jackson is gone. Does that mean dead? Disappeared? Or just that he left town?

The last sentence threw me off a bit. “I didn't stay.” Wait, I thought Jackson was the one who was gone. So have both gone somewhere? But if Jackson was already gone, why does it matter if the narrator also moved? This introduces another question, but in this case, I don't think it's a good one. I'm more puzzled than intrigued.

Rhymes With

Tilt.

Dad’s expression for

the changing course

of an event.

Kinda like playing pinball

if you’re clever

you can “tilt” the game

and if not, game over.

Tilt is also

like the carnival

“tilt-a-whirl” that

spins you round

until you become dizzy,

like I did

that spring night two years ago.

Also rhymes with guilt.

CE: There's some nice imagery here and I bet this relates to the theme. I wonder if it's too early in the story, though. This is general information and doesn't intrigue me with anything specific. At this point, I want to know more about what happened and what's happening -- the conflict. Guilt is too general if I don't know who is guilty or over what.

 

Walking Home

School’s almost out

jump and shout

School’s almost out

Jumping and shouting all the way.

Only seventeen more walks?

Until elementary school is over

a summer to get

ready for middle school

Big changes ahead

Am I ready? No.

I’m already worried about that

first day.

Will I get lost? Will the older

kids be mean?

And my best friend from elementary school

wont’ be there.

I round the corner and there

in front of me, lips curled, head low, ears back,

a huge dog

blocks my path.

CE: This voice sounds much younger than the earlier one. At first I wondered if we were jumping back in time, but that doesn't seem to be true from the rest of the poems. Make sure your narrator has a fairly consistent voice. Obviously it may change with her mood and it's fine to use different poetry styles, but it should always sound like it's her. (This feels like a female narrator to me.)

This has drama, both from the anticipation of middle school and then from the threatening dog. But it worries me that this sounds like a different person in a different situation. I'm not sure where the story is going, or even where it's starting. There is a mention about the best friend from elementary school, but with so much else going on in this poem, I only caught that on a second read.

Run

Run. No, wait.

Think, Darrah, think

What did that lady say?

Be a log? No, a tree. Close my eyes?

I stop. Drop my pack.

Whisper: Freeze, Darrah, freeze.

Dare to glance down,

see that dog through buttonhole eyes.

Dog sniffs my backpack,

my shoelaces.

Does it smell fear?

Can it tell I’m shaking?

Meow-ow-ow-meow

Dog turns its head, sees the

cat teetering on the fence

bolts after it.

CE: I like this one. Good drama and it creates a clear scene with multiple senses. The short, choppy sentences work to convey the tension.

Puzzle Solver

I run home

through the front door, out the back door to

my trampoline, the puzzle solver!

Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop. Up. Down.

Knees bent, pushing off

I feel the last of the fear

dissolve. I wonder, whose dog?

Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.

Did those people

adopt another dog?

How could they? Why would they?

Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.

I wonder Jackson,

Do you have dogs with you

wherever you are.

Whoosh, plop! Whoosh, plop! Up. Down.

I wonder, Jackson,

were you with me today?

did you see that dog,

did you feel my fear?

CE: I'm not sure what "the puzzle solver" means here, but this helps connect the dog to the question of Jackson. It shows how the narrator keeps Jackson in her heart even though he's gone.

Mischief Ninja

Mom yells

Darrah, getting dark out.

Yeah, okay, I yell back.

I whisper to the first glimmering star in the tangerine sky

Good-night Jackson.

Yep, I admit it. I talk to Jackson a lot.

He’s everywhere; apple tree tops,

tetherball, in class.

But last spring was different.

Clouds hung like funeral drapes,

my mom says we could cut the air with

a knife it was so still.

Stars vanished.

You see, my best friend

My mischief ninja:

Jackson.

Died.

Tilt.

CE: I like the imagery and the specific details. We get the answer here about Jackson, but in a way it feels anticlimactic. I was already pretty sure he died, so it's not much of a surprise. I wonder about cutting out the last six lines. With his death revealed to us slowly, you don't need to state it outright.

In general, I'd say this section is working, so long as you have a reader who likes verse novels and wants to read a story about a friend who died. I'd like to see even more of a hook, though. Dead friend? Fine, but it's been done before and that premise alone doesn't make me want to read the novel.

I like the term of mischief ninja -- I'd like to read about a mischief ninja, but one who is active, not one who has died. So far, the most interesting character is dead and the most dramatic action (the death) has already happened.

Is there something specific about this friend, this narrator's journey, the specifics of this experience? Guilt has been mentioned, but that could be survivor’s guilt or misplaced guilt so doesn't really suggest some great secret. She talks to her dead friend, but what is the conflict now, looking toward the future? Is this just a quiet story about living through grief? If there's something more, I'd like a hint of it by now.

As I said, I don't usually read verse novels. Also, I tend to prefer stories with plenty of action and adventure, so it may simply be that I'm not the best reader for this story. But the other verse novels I know of have a lot of inherent drama in the situation. Maybe this does too, but I'd like to see more of it by this point in the story. You might think about bringing a specific, current conflict into play earlier, or even starting the story earlier, perhaps just before Jackson's death. Make sure you have enough interesting conflict to sustain a novel as well.

If I were an editor/reader looking for verse novels, I'd be interested enough to give this a little more time and try to figure out where it's going, but I wouldn't want to wait too much longer for a current conflict.

Thanks for sharing! Best of luck with your revisions.

First Page Critique: contemporary YA

Thanks go out to Shelley for submitting her contemporary young adult novel, Counting Change, for a first page critique. (You can read the submission without comments in yesterday’s post.)

My mother’s mission in life is to change me. She’ll deny it, but ever since daddy’s accident, she colors the rooms of our home like Michelangelo threatened with unemployment. She wears her paint scarf wrapped tight around her curls, and dangles brushes from each hand like a gunslinger from an old movie.

CE: The first sentence is intriguing, and I’m sure many teens will identify. We get a hint of another conflict and recent changes in the phrase “since daddy’s accident.” I don’t understand how the rest of the paragraph relates, though. What does coloring the house have to do with changing the daughter? “Dangles brushes from each hand like a gunslinger from an old movie” is a great image. “Like Michelangelo threatened with unemployment” doesn’t work for me as well. I started to think about what exactly that meant—is Mom painting murals?—Plus, can she really be both Michelangelo and a gunslinger?

“Jenna and I are going back to school shopping,” I say before she can get a word out. All summer I’ve worked at Connie’s Coffee listening in on conversations. A study in human weirdness. Right now in my sock drawer I’ve a folded wad of twenties waiting to buy jeans and shoes for my first day of high school.

CE: This jumps around. What do listening in on conversations and a study in human weirdness have to do with back-to-school shopping? I feel like the author is trying to get in too much information at the beginning. I’d save the coffee shop information for later.

I grab orange juice out of the fridge, and hunt through our cupboard for a clean glass.

CE: Not much going on here. I’d cut this line or replace it with an action which is more relevant, such as trying to get away before Mom interferes.

“Wonderful! I think you’re going to love high school, Stoney. I know I did.” Mama runs her hand over my hair. “Why do you insist on cutting your hair like a boy?”

I tug on my new bangs, knowing I cut them way too short. But I don’t care. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate high school, Mama. Just because you liked it doesn’t mean I’m going to like it.” In fact, it’s a pretty sure bet that if she liked it, I’ll hate it.

CE: Lots of good information in these paragraphs. We get Stoney’s name (unusual! I wonder if there’s a story behind it), some of her appearance, and some personality of both characters. It’s a nice example of “showing” through dialog and specific thoughts.

I’m trying to figure out why our lives have to change so much. Why can’t we stay the same?

CE: This doesn’t logically follow from her previous thoughts. It sounded like she was used to opposing her mother, so how is that a change? This feels like a teaser line where the author is trying to let us know right away that this novel is about change. Plus, we’ve gone from feeling like we are right there in the scene to a vague time and place. Is Stoney just standing there pondering through the next couple of paragraphs?

It’s unbelievable the changes one person is required to go through in a lifetime, let alone a simple summer. I’ve written some down:

Besides the unspeakable accident, which changed everyone’s lives forever, at the top of my list is Carl Journey, ex-boyfriend and creep. Also on that list is: school, body, and environment. Mine to be exact.

CE: I could see starting with these two paragraphs, if this novel has a lot of lists or diary style elements, or if the voice includes addressing the reader a lot. It would establish the voice and start by focusing on change. It introduces a couple of interesting elements—the unspeakable accident and the creepy ex-boyfriend. The rest of the list is bland, though. I’d like something more specific, such as suddenly growing boobs or growing three inches with stretch marks like tire tracks or becoming the acne queen. Specifics are more interesting and the way she words things would give us some indication of how she sees herself and the world.

CE: I’m not sure the opening scene fits with these last two paragraphs. Either could work as the beginning, but now it jumps too much. We get so many elements that I’m not sure where the story is right now, let alone where it’s going. What is the main element of the story? Is it about the character’s relationship with her mother? Then the conversation with Mom is a great place to start. It is about how the character deals with changes, the list might be a good start.

CE: Either way, Stoney is an interesting character and the first-person voice, written as if she’s talking to the reader, works well for teen novels. Simplify your beginning so it’s a little more focused, and let other information come out over time. One interesting element and a strong voice is enough to grab the reader. You don’t need to introduce everything at once. Click on the click on the "beginnings" link to the right for more thoughts on story openings.

Thanks for sharing! I have a couple more critiques waiting. If you’d like to add yours to the queue, see the guidelines.

You can get a complete manuscript critique starting at $1.50 per page. Get details and recommendations on my website.

First Page Critique: contemporary YA

Our first page critique offering this week comes from Shelley. This is a contemporary YA novel. Read it through today and think about how you would offer a critique. Leave feedback in the comments section if you like. Then stop by tomorrow to see what I have to say.

My mother’s mission in life is to change me. She’ll deny it, but ever since daddy’s accident, she colors the rooms of our home like Michelangelo threatened with unemployment. She wears her paint scarf wrapped tight around her curls, and dangles brushes from each hand like a gunslinger from an old movie.

 “Jenna and I are going back to school shopping,” I say before she can get a word out. All summer I’ve worked at Connie’s Coffee listening in on conversations. A study in human weirdness. Right now in my sock drawer I’ve a folded wad of twenties waiting to buy jeans and shoes for my first day of high school.

 I grab orange juice out of the fridge, and hunt through our cupboard for a clean glass.

 “Wonderful! I think you’re going to love high school, Stoney. I know I did.” Mama runs her hand over my hair. “Why do you insist on cutting your hair like a boy?”

 I tug on my new bangs, knowing I cut them way too short. But I don’t care. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate high school, Mama. Just because you liked it doesn’t mean I’m going to like it.” In fact, it’s a pretty sure bet that if she liked it, I’ll hate it.

 I’m trying to figure out why our lives have to change so much. Why can’t we stay the same?

 

It’s unbelievable the changes one person is required to go through in a lifetime, let alone a simple summer. I’ve written some down:

 Besides the unspeakable accident, which changed everyone’s lives forever, at the top of my list is Carl Journey, ex-boyfriend and creep. Also on that list is: school, body, and environment. Mine to be exact.

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Paranormal

Yesterday I posted the 300-word opening of a 55,000-word middle-grade paranormal novel, submitted for critique by Ruth. If you didn't see yesterday's post, you may want to read it first to form your own opinions. But before we start, a note -- when I first read this quickly, I thought, Wow, this is great. I don't know if I'll have any comments on it. Now see what happened when I took a closer look.... (her text followed by my comments with CE at the beginning of them)

Eleanor shivered. It was spooky in the woods, and Lola seemed to have vanished without a trace. She whistled, then paused to listen. If she didn’t get back to the car soon, her mother would be furious.

CE: This puts us into a scene where things are happening and we have immediate tension, which is great. "Eleanor shivered" is good action to suggest either cold or nervousness. "It was spooky in the woods" is telling rather than showing, though. Can you give a few specific details to let us feel the spookiness? The trees loomed over her, casting deep shadows.... It's also not entirely clear here if Eleanor is whistling to call Lola, or just whistling, perhaps to ease her own anxiety. You might clarify with something like "She whistled, a short, loud call, then paused to listen." I might then add the word/sentence "Nothing." This lets us know the results of the whistling and becomes a transition to the next sentence, which otherwise seems a bit of a jump.

She was in trouble already, but it hadn’t been her fault. How could she have known that putting liquid soap in the dishwasher would cause a lemon-scented flood? As for Lola’s crime, if the neighbors didn’t want teeth marks on their umbrellas, they shouldn’t leave them lying about the foyer.

CE: I like the humor here. It stops the action for background information, so I do wonder if there's another way to bring out this information -- maybe in dialogue a little later -- but here it does give us a nice idea of Eleanor’s personality and it lets me know this book won't be too serious, at least in terms of voice.

Eleanor had apologized. She’d mopped up the suds, and she was saving her allowance to pay for the umbrellas. Still, Mom saw the incidents as proof that she needed more supervision. More structure. That was why they’d come to visit Looking Glass Falls Wilderness Adventure Camp.

CE: Again, background information. Can we leave this until Eleanor gets back to Mom, and then maybe see it as an argument? An angry mother is likely to restate Eleanor's crimes and explain the punishment, even if Eleanor already knows that. This could also be brought out in dialogue between Eleanor and a new friend at the camp.

CE: I do like the idea of a wilderness adventure camp, and Looking Glass Falls has intriguing possibilities. But you don't necessarily need to introduce this on the first page. Or you could do it in another way that is more immediate in Eleanor’s thoughts. Perhaps she thinks or mutters something like, Why did she need a wilderness adventure camp? She hated the wilderness and whenever she tried to have an adventure, she got into trouble. Or, She'd only been at this wilderness adventure camp for 20 minutes and already she had lost Lola and herself. She'd be lucky to survive a whole summer. The specifics of her thoughts will tell us something about her attitude.

Eleanor sighed. Somehow she had to convince Mom that, at eleven, she was old enough to keep herself and her dog out of trouble, and that camp was a terrible idea. But first she had to find Lola. She scanned the woods for a gray-white plume of a tail. She strained her ears for the jingle of dog tags. But all she heard was a roar, like rushing water--then, suddenly, a scream and a splash.

CE: Nice details with the gray-white plume and the jingle of dog tags. Using multiple senses helps put us in this scene. And of course a scream and a splash makes for great drama! You've hooked me now and I want to know what happens next.

Eleanor ran toward the sound. Soon she burst from the shadow of the trees into a little hollow and saw a wonderful sight: a waterfall, spilling from the top of a cliff into a pool--and Lola, vigorously shaking water from her fur.

“There you are, you rascal! Did you fall in the water?” As she threw her arms around her dog and fumbled for the leash, a sudden movement caught her eye. She looked up, squinting in the sunlight.

CE: When you mentioned a scream, I assumed that was human, not canine. Eleanor should have expected to find a person, but she immediately assumes the noises came from Lola. I wouldn't mind a bit of Eleanor’s thoughts after "Eleanor ran toward the sound." Maybe something like, "Was someone in trouble?" I'm willing to believe that she forgets about the scream after she sees Lola, but you have to show that by showing her relief, laughter, or whatever. And then she should remember the scream shortly -- though maybe she does and we just don't have that part here.

A girl was walking slowly toward the edge of the woods.

CE: There's some nice drama in this as well, though I'm not certain whether the girl is walking toward or away from Eleanor. I assume away. And is she wet? Since your submission was exactly 300 words, perhaps you cut a few details to get that line in, or maybe things get clearer in the next sentence.

CE: Overall, I thought this was an appealing submission. I like Eleanor and Lola can offer some complications and comic relief. The premise is intriguing. I would keep reading. The writing is smooth, but I would suggest watching out for places where you might summarize and work on showing instead. I know there's a lot of pressure to get everything into the first page or so, but you don't want it to feel rushed. You could leave out the two paragraphs of background information and I'd still be interested. From what I read here, I would check this book out of the library, or ask for the full submission if I were an editor. A few tweaks will make it even more appealing. Good luck!

If you'd like to participate in a free first page critique, post your submission in the comments. See yesterday's post for the complete rules. If you'd like a full novel critique, see my rates on my website.