Character Building

Today I'm featured on my brother's blog, Let's Schmooze - Doug Eboch on Screenwriting. He's doing a series of interviews asking writers about the techniques they use for character building. See my process on today's post, and check out recent posts for comments from successful scriptwriters.

Books on Writing

Onlinecollegecourses.com offers this list of "50 Books That Will Make You a Better Writer." I can't say that I agree with every one of them -- I can't even say that I've read every one of them -- but they do have my favorite, Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. Categories include Genre, Notable Writers, and Literary Criticism, Reading and Analysis.

Perhaps this is the time to mention that I'm working on a writing book on Advanced Plotting, which I hope to have available as a $.99 e-book by the end of summer.

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel

This week's first page critique is of "The Automata Maker's Fire-Breathing Housekeeper." The submitter didn't list the age group or genre, but I'm guessing middle grade, and probably fantasy or science fiction based on the title. I think the title is catchy, by the way. A bit of a mouthful which may make it hard to remember, but it is intriguing.

        Miles opened the front door, tripped over the threshold, and staggered into the dark hallway. His backpack, stuffed with schoolbooks and slung haphazardly over one shoulder, threatened to overbalance him and he almost bumped into his brother and sister who were crossing through the hall. They carried a large package wrapped in decorative floral and butterfly paper.

CE: This certainly portrays Miles as clumsy. Of course, it's possible this is not normal behavior, but by starting with this it seems like a character trait. It may be a little too easy, though, a caricature for someone we don't know at all yet. Although his near fall gives a little action to the opening paragraph, I'm more interested in the package and wonder if the opening could be rewritten to focus on that. Maybe something simple like: Miles opened the front door and stared at his brother and sister, who were crossing the hall with a large package wrapped in decorative floral and butterfly paper.

        "What've you got there?" Miles asked as he heaved his gear onto the floor under the hallway table.

        "Uncle Dishwasher gave it to me," Theo said frowning.

        "Why'd he do that, do you think?" asked Billie. Her eyes were wide as she chewed at her lower lip.

CE: As a general rule, when you have action or gestures with dialogue tags, you don't also need the said or asked part. When removing it, sometimes you may want to reorder the sentences for better flow. And in this case, I might skip the part about Miles heaving his gear onto the floor, if I did decide to change the opening as suggested above. So the rewrite becomes:

      "What've you got there?" Miles asked.

      Theo frowned. "Uncle Dishwasher gave it to me."

      "Why'd he do that, do you think?" Billie’s eyes were wide as she chewed at her lower lip.

        "Maybe he's sorry about how mean he's been to us," Miles said. "Maybe it's a box of

burn ointment to use for all the times he's scorched us. Or maybe it's full of poisoned cookies so he won't be bothered with us anymore."

CE: This certainly sets up their relationship with their uncle and makes the question of the package more intriguing. It also shows that Miles is a quick thinker and has a sense of humor.

        Billie gasped and jerked her hands away from the package. "He has been mean, but maybe he's overworked. You know from all the extra lunches and then two kinds of dinner. And extra laundry, and speaking two languages, and." she trailed off and started nibbling on her thumbnail.

CE: Billy comes across as kind of an idiot. Her excuses may be naïve or kindhearted, but why does she jerk her hands away from the package unless she's really afraid of it? And what does she expect poisoned cookies to do to her if she's just carrying the box? And if it took two of them to carry it, wouldn't Theo drop it now? Besides the bit of illogic, you want to be careful about portraying your only female main character (so far as we know) in a negative light this early in the story, unless you are really just going for boy readers. I'd tone down her reaction.

CE: We do get a few more hints about the family. The uncle now seems not necessarily so bad, but possibly someone hard-working but grumpy. And we see Billie as the sympathetic one.

     Miles snorted and gave her the same disgusted look he always gave when he thought she was excusing the undeserving. Then he glared at Theo. "Why did he give it to you? I'm the oldest."

     "I just got home first, I guess."

     Miles shrugged. "Let's get a snack before Kazu and Yuji come home. You can unwrap that thing while we eat." Miles dodged past Theo and Billie and headed to the kitchen. He pushed open the swinging door and was about to step into the room when, instead, he hurriedly backed out, stumbling and tripping into Theo and Billie. He put his finger to his lips signaling silence.

CE: Given their curiosity, focusing on the snack first seems odd, unless Miles is trying to play it cool. I might not introduce Kazu and Yuji yet -- we don't learn anything about them and it's getting confusing with so many characters and elements introduced in the first page.

I'm a little concerned about the point of view in this last paragraph. Normally it's best to stick with a cause-effect/action-reaction sequence. In other words, something happens and then someone reacts to it. When you have someone react before showing the cause, that can be jarring, confusing, or even comical. If Theo or Billy were the point of view character, you could have Miles back out and signal for silence before they know his reasons. The point of view is somewhat distant here -- we haven't gotten anyone's thoughts -- but I would have said it was Miles if anyone. In that case, he should see and then react.

I should perhaps mention here that in American middle grade novels, authors generally use a fairly close point of view, usually third person. If they switch point of view, they stick with a character through a scene. British middle grade novels sometimes have a more distant omniscient point of view or a traveling viewpoint that jumps between heads. I don't know why that is.

In any case, I don't see an advantage to hiding what Miles sees. Perhaps it's supposed to increase suspense by making us ask what it is, but that can feel kind of like cheating. If it's something dramatic, showing it will be more dramatic than letting us wonder. If it's not something dramatic, the reality will feel anticlimactic after the tease.

I've been focused mainly on line editing for this sample. Overall, I think there are some interesting elements here and I'm curious about what will happen next. The small question of what's in the package is a nice way to get the reader’s attention and introduce the characters, and hopefully lead into a bigger plot question. I'm curious enough to keep reading.

My main concern is that the voice seems a bit weak -- those wordy dialog attributes, for example, and the uncertain viewpoint. So many editors hold voice as all important these days. That's not to say that you have to get fancy or write in a way that seems unnatural, but smoothing out the bumps can make for a better read. Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King has a lot of advice on how to do that. I'm afraid a lot of great ideas don't get published because the writing isn't quite strong enough. I can see things here that would catch an editor's eye, but a little more polishing would really make it work stand out.

Thank you, for sharing, Mollie, and best of luck with the revisions!

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Novel

Mollie sent in this first page for critique. I'm guessing this is middle grade.

The Automata Maker's Fire-Breathing Housekeeper

 

        Miles opened the front door, tripped over the threshold, and staggered into the dark hallway. His backpack, stuffed with schoolbooks and slung haphazardly over one shoulder, threatened to overbalance him and he almost bumped into his brother and sister who were crossing through the hall. They carried a large package wrapped in decorative floral and butterfly paper.

        "What've you got there?" Miles asked as he heaved his gear onto the floor under the hallway table.

        "Uncle Dishwasher gave it to me," Theo said frowning.

        "Why'd he do that, do you think?" asked Billie. Her eyes were wide as she chewed at her lower lip.

        "Maybe he's sorry about how mean he's been to us," Miles said. "Maybe it's a box of burn ointment to use for all the times he's scorched us. Or maybe it's full of poisoned cookies so he won't be bothered with us anymore."

        Billie gasped and jerked her hands away from the package. "He has been mean, but maybe he's overworked. You know from all the extra lunches and then two kinds of dinner. And extra laundry, and speaking two languages, and." she trailed off and started nibbling on her thumbnail.

Miles snorted and gave her the same disgusted look he always gave when he thought she was excusing the undeserving. Then he glared at Theo. "Why did he give it to you? I'm the oldest."

 "I just got home first, I guess."

        Miles shrugged. "Let's get a snack before Kazu and Yuji come home. You can unwrap that thing while we eat." Miles dodged past Theo and Billie and headed to the kitchen. He pushed open the swinging door and was about to step into the room when, instead, he hurriedly backed out, stumbling and tripping into Theo and Billie. He put his finger to his lips signaling silence.

Fundraising for Writers

One of the challenges for writers is finding time to write while supporting yourself through other jobs. When it comes to self publishing your work, you need even more time -- plus some money -- to get the project properly edited and formatted with a good cover and then to work on your publicity. Of course, it helps if you have inherited or won loads of money, have a spouse with a well-paying job, or for other reasons don't need to worry about funds. But for the rest of us....

One interesting option that has come to my attention lately is the site Kickstarter. According to the website, "Kickstarter is the largest funding platform for creative projects in the world. Every month, tens of thousands of amazing people pledge millions of dollars to projects from the worlds of music, film, art, technology, design, food, publishing and other creative fields."

These pledges aren't loans and they aren't, strictly speaking, donations. Rather, the project creator offers something in exchange -- signed copies of the book/CD/video, tickets to the event, swag such as T-shirts, or other products or experiences. As the project creator, you decide how much people have to pledge to get each item. For example, in my current project, pledges start at $3 for an e-book version of Rattled, include $15 for a signed print book, $35 for a picture book manuscript critique, $45 for a "Taste of New Mexico" gift pack, $50 for the chance to name a character in my next book, and $80 for a set of my children's books. The options top out at $400 for a novel manuscript critique.

You also set your funding goal. You must reach that goal in order to get any of the money (if you don't reach it, no one pays and you don't provide the gifts). If you go over your goal, you get to keep the extra money. Kickstarter takes a five percent cut. There are some other details, but that's the gist.

How well does it work? I'm not sure yet. I feel awkward asking people to help support me. Some people on the site have funded multiple projects, which suggests they look for appealing ideas even from people they don't know, but realistically, you're more likely to get support from people you know. Plenty of projects seem to get funded, including several where an author was trying to finish or self publish a book. Having realistic expectations probably helps.

You can check out my listing on Kickstarter here. If you've benefited from this blog -- or you just think some of the gift options seem cool -- please consider making a pledge. In a month I'll report back on how well the process worked.

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy

This week I'm critiquing the first page of a middle grade novel called Finding Evekitas. My comments intersperse the original text.

     Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street.  Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her.  She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot.  She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete.  The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.

CE: This is a nice bit of characterization upfront -- a girl who reads while walking to school. I'm curious about what she's reading. I'd like to see a little more detail of the fall to really bring it to life, to make sure it's shown rather than told. For example, "she fell on the concrete" is a bit vague. I don't know how she landed or if it hurt. I might rework it something like this:

.... the pedal sticking up snagged her left foot. She twisted that foot away from the pedal while hopping on her right foot, but the loop of her shoelace caught the pedal. She pulled, but the bike pulled back. The book flew out of her hands as she wobbled. A scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.
Melissa's foot pulled free from the bike and she went down on hands and knees. She bit back a cry of pain and sat back on her heels, hugging her scraped hands to her stomach. She glanced around quickly to see if anyone had noticed the fall.

CE: I think this creates a clearer picture, and also gives us a little more of Melissa's character. This may or may not be the right character for Melissa. Maybe she cries out loudly and hopes someone saw her and will come give comfort. Maybe she brushes off the pain as entirely unimportant, because she's already focused on the paper. You don't want to spend too much time on the accident, as it's really just a way to get us to the piece of paper, but by showing Melissa's actions and reactions clearly, you create a more vivid scene and also give us hints to her character.

     Melissa picked herself up and looked around.  Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush.  She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.

     The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind.  But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it.  She wanted to see what it said.

CE: This is straightforward enough. Melissa has some curiosity but she's also practical. It might be nice to give us a specific thought -- what she imagines the paper might be. This acts as a teaser for the reader and once again gives us more of her personality. For example, does she think it might, just possibly, be a treasure map, an antique document, or an old letter from a family member? Different kinds of kids might come up with each of those possibilities and find that particular answer especially intriguing. Giving a thought like this will also help us feel closer to Melissa. So far I feel a bit like I'm on the outside watching her, rather than seeing and feeling this close to her point of view. That may be intentional and necessary to the story, if you want that distance -- if you're trying for a more omniscient point of view because you have a lot of characters and need to skip around between them, for example. But in general, we want to feel close to the main character.

     She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate.  She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now.  Probably there was no one home.

CE: Good details to show her caution and practical way of thinking.

     She opened the gate.  At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her. 

     The rosebush was only a few steps away.  Melissa dashed over to it.  The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first.  She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster.  He nabbed it and frolicked away.

CE: Nice complication -- though these must be tiny rosebushes if a little dog can grab something from one. At least I was imagining it landing on top of the bush. Perhaps reword a bit so we see where the paper falls better. Or when she first reaches for the paper, she could wind up knocking it farther down.

     She should just go on to school, before someone saw her.  She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone!  But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it. 

CE: I'm getting more of a sense of her character. She seems practical, thoughtful, and rather shy. But she's also curious, which is a good trait in a main character. This little episode introduces her and a small problem to get the ball rolling. Presumably the paper will lead on to bigger things. Right now I'm kind of taking it on faith that the paper will be interesting, because this is a book and therefore you must have a reason for starting with this scene. But the situation isn't all that inherently dramatic by itself, so I'd like to see a little more drama about the paper -- perhaps that thought about what exactly it might be.

You can also end this last paragraph with another thought about why a paper with words on it seems important. And although the complications -- the paper out of reach, the dog grabbing it -- do add some tension, don't wait too long for her to get the paper. If we knew that the paper was important, complications would add lots of tension, but because we're not sure yet, it will get dull if we have to wait too long to find out what's on the paper.

You have a clean, straightforward writing style, written at a nice fourth grade level. I like the character so far and I'm curious enough about the paper to keep reading. I'd suggest you work to keep us close to Melissa's point of view so we really understand what she's seeing, feeling, and thinking, and follow up this little hook fairly quickly with the big hook -- what's on the paper that is going to change her life. Thanks for sharing!

First Page Critique: A Middle-Grade Fantasy

Here's this week's submission for the first page critique, a middle grade fantasy called Finding Evekitas. Practice your critiquing skills today, and come back tomorrow to see my comments.

Melissa was walking to school, reading, holding the book out in front so she could keep one eye on the street.  Liam Cranton's rusty old bike lay stretched across the sidewalk in front of her.  She saw it coming in plenty of time to step over, but a pedal still snagged her foot.  She tried to twist around and scramble over it, but it tripped her again, and she fell on the concrete.  The book flew out of her hands. As it did, a scrap of paper escaped from between the pages and fluttered away.

Melissa picked herself up and looked around.  Beyond the Crantons' worn-out picket fence, the paper had landed in a rose bush.  She tried to reach over the fence, but it was too far.

The scrap might only be someone's bookmark that got left behind.  But it had looked old and yellowed, and Melissa thought she had seen writing on it.  She wanted to see what it said.

She stood for a moment with her hand on the gate.  She didn't know the Crantons very well, but Liam was in the lower school, and they started fifteen minutes earlier. He'd have gone to school by now.  Probably there was no one home.

She opened the gate.  At that moment, a little, fuzzy, yellow dog came flying around the corner of the house, wagging its tail and yammering at her. 

The rosebush was only a few steps away.  Melissa dashed over to it.  The puppy saw what she was doing, and ran to get there first.  She snatched at the paper, but the dog was faster.  He nabbed it and frolicked away.

She should just go on to school, before someone saw her.  She didn't want to have to explain this to anyone!  But most of the paper was sticking comically out of the little dog's mouth, and there were definitely words on it. 

Agents Go Indie?

More news on agents and indie publishing:

The Andrea Brown Literary Agency is independently publishing Solstice, a young adult novel by their client P. J. Hoover. The agency calls this “the first front-list novel to be independently published by an Andrea Brown Literary Agency author,” which perhaps implies more to come.

To learn more about this decision, read this interview withPJ on The Spectacle. 

Another literary agent, Scott Waxman, created DiversionBooks, an online e-publishing house, “to help self-published writers navigate the cyber market.”

An interesting note from the Divergent Books submission guidelines -- fiction authors can submit with a query letter and sample chapter. Nonfiction authors are asked to fill out a form which includes questions about their social networking activities -- their number of Facebook and Twitter followers and the number of monthly visits to their blog -- reinforcing the idea that platform is important for nonfiction.