Thursday, June 2, 2011

First Page Critique: YA fantasy

Here's our first page critique submission for the week. Goblin Fruit is a YA, 21,500 words. Study it today and check back for my comments tomorrow.

Frank Harman buttoned a white lab coat over his tie-dyed T-shirt as he hurried toward the nurse’s station in the maternity ward.

Anna smiled at him as he came toward her."Thanks for coming, Frank. Sorry to take you away from your data compilation."

He smiled back as he ran his fingers through his tousled brown hair and removed his glasses, wiping them on the lab coat. "That's okay. The study can wait.” He rubbed his tired, slightly bloodshot eyes and then put the glasses back on.”So what’s happening here?”

Anna frowned. She looked toward an open patient door and then back at Frank. "The patient gave birth to a baby girl this afternoon." Gesturing for him to follow, she walked to the open door, through which a sleeping young woman and a baby in a clear plastic bassinet were visible. The woman’s golden brown hair formed a halo around her head and she seemed, at least to Frank, to glow in the lighting.

Frank gasped. "Sara."

"You know her?"

"A little," he said hoarsely, before clearing his throat. "A long time ago."

Anna looked at Frank, as though expecting him to elaborate. When he didn't, she went on. "Actually, I know her too. She's an artist. She used to be at some of the art parties Nick and I attend."

Frank made no response.

Looking back toward Sara, who was sleeping soundly, Anna whispered, "She was a real partier. Always the center of attention. I haven't seen her around lately, though. I didn't know she was pregnant."

Frank nodded absently, like he wasn't really listening.

Anna shook her head. "No complications with the birth. Drug screen came back clean, but I feel like something's off."

1 comment:

  1. I'm intrigued! What's "off"? And what Sara's and Frank's past? However:
    -- 21,500 seems short for a YA (unless you're going to Kindle novella route, or something)
    -- the amount of description bogs down the action in some places
    -- this intro doesn't read like a YA novel. Everyone introduced so far appears to be an adult. Of course, adults aren't verboten, but it seems like you'd want to pull your teen reader right away with something they can relate to.
    -- With a title like "Goblin Fruit" I wasn't expecting such a realistic beginning.
    Hope that helps.